Enchantless: The Painful Companionship Of Diablo 3’s Enchantress.

The Enchantress from Diablo 3 [D3] is anything but enchanting. I’d rather face down the demons of hell and Diablo himself, rather than listen to her babble. Supposedly she and her “sisters” were put in a state of stasis by their leader, the Prophet, until the world of Sanctuary needed them. I honestly think the Prophet put them in stasis for 1500+ years so he would be good and dead by the time they were released. Playing the Monk solo requires the assistance of the Enchantress because her skill set matches so well with the Monk’s, outside of that she is just as painful to be around as a Terror Demon. Actually, a Terror Demon would be welcome company next to the Enchantress.

The Enchantress has a skill called Focused Mind, oh the irony.

Eirena, the Enchantress, is met in Act II right as you set out of the city of Caldeum. From there forward you are cursed with her presence. It is true, you do have the option of venturing forth with the Scoundrel or the Templar, but Eirena’s Focused Mind skill (unlocked at level 30) truly benefits the Monk class the most. The skill provides Eirena and all her allies with an increase in attack speed of 3%. It is a shame you have to put up with hours of painful dialogue just for a 3% gain, but at least you don’t have to buy her dinner. By the way, who just eats larass bread and sweet wine? Someone with an eating disorder, that’s who.

The poor Templar. Through the sludge that is the dialogue exchange between the Enchantress and the Monk, we find out that the Templar, Kormac, is in love with her. I’ll give it to Kormac, the Enchantress does have a well rendered body. She also knows how to accent that body with very little clothing. Let me take a moment to recognize the fact that I am talking about an inanimate object. The point is less about her digital beauty and more about an opportunity missed by Blizzard to create more atmosphere in a game that, at times, suffers from cartoonish influences. The hirelings in Diablo 3 could of been a great source of quality lore, that could of been used to create a darker atmosphere to counter D3’s vibrant art design-that’s more befitting of a Care Bears episode. Instead we get a love struck, virgin, Templar; a womanizing Scoundrel, that is most likely a closeted homosexual; and an Enchantress that reminds me of a freshmen sorority girl, after having her first beer… ever.

Turn it all the way to 11 0.

It’s not as if the developers of Blizzard didn’t recognized that their final product was missing the grizzly and evil atmosphere from Diablo I and II. Hell, they put in a secret “Pony Level” called Whimsyshire as a direct mock to the negative feedback they received from the Diablo community in regards to D3’s art design.

I do understand that D3’s art design will age well, so in the long run the D3 community and myself will benefit from it. I also realize that you can adjust the voice dialogue volume to zero in the options menu, what I call the Enchantress fix. Also, I hope that ring I just sold in the Auction House for 3.825 million gold, was the Templar’s engagement ring.

Selling his engagement ring means I’ve saved Kormac’s life twice.

Cures For What Ails Ya: Diablo 3’s Auction House And Potions

As my monk stands in front of Gorell the Quartermaster in Act III, purchasing potions for his forays against Azmodan’s army, he utters a phrase that hits close to home. As, “I lack the funds,” roles out of Dalai Camel’s mouth, I quickly pull away from the lands of Sanctuary and back to reality. I too, “Lack the funds.” Thankfully Diablo 3 [D3] is a great game for someone on a budget. After you hit 30+ hours of play and are still greedy for more. More killing of uniques and specials. More gold and loot drops. You realize that the $60 you put down on D3 was a great investment in a game that can last you years.

D3 will need to last me awhile, at least until full time employment drops like a unique item in D3-both of which would be appropriately accompanied with a, “F*ck yeah!” With current unemployment numbers from the last 3+ months hovering over my radio, and encroaching into my dreams, I know how rare a quality job opportunity is. I also know that D3 will be the game that medicates me daily, like a Mythic Health Potion during a D3 boss battle.

Gorell’s health potions are not cheap but they cure what ails me, in more ways than one.

Thankfully, D3 presents ample ways to accrue gold. Fighting minions and their bosses regularly grants you with items that might not fit the needs of your character, that’s where D3’s Auction House comes in handy. The D3 Auction House allows you to sale, up to 10 items, for a lot more gold than you could get for it in-game. Did a unique monster just drop an amazing amulet meant for a Wizard, that your barbarian wouldn’t be caught dead, or alive, wearing? No worries, it’s not a complete loss, just put a reasonable price on it and put it up for auction. Now, if only there was a similar way to make a little extra money outside the world of Sanctuary.

This ring should fetch a decent amount of gold.

At my part time job, that acts as a way to stretch my unemployment benefits, I occasionally wonder if repulsive customers, with really bad teeth, are actually just Azmodan’s cronies with lots of makeup. I also wonder if I whacked them hard enough with a stick, would they drop gold? Are the flatulent prone, obese, customers just well disguised Ghoms, that would drop unique rings and amulets? Could I sale them on Craig’s List? I guess the possibility is there but I will keep my looting to D3, and hope my next interview is the one that leads to employment.

The similarities between customers and Ghom are uncanny.